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  • "Mad? Who’s mad round here?

    It would be very rude of me not to answer AVPGs questions.


    1. Am I on medication?

    A bit naughty really to ask that ‘medical in confidence’ sort of question, but I’m a jolly nice affable sort of chap these days so I don’t mind answering. The thing is I don’t really know. When they come round every night with the Horlicks (Cocoa on weekends and Bank Holidays) they always give me this great big pink jelly pill called a cassowary or something. It’s like swallowing a ruddy great greasy gob stopper. I keep asking what it’s for but they just mumble something about helping me go. Go where I ask myself? We don’t even get considered for parole in here so there ain’t much chance of going anywhere is there? Anyway for all the good it does I reckon I might as well shove it up my a**e.

    2. About my name.

    The significance of Intl? Well actually you can choose. Couldn’t be fairer than that could I? I rather like ‘intellectual’ myself, but I dare say there might be odd less charitable character who might opt for ‘intolerable’ or perhaps ‘interminable’ or some such other equally unkind interpretation. Can’t for one moment think why though.

    3. Meaning of OMPITA ?

    Actually it’s an acronym but its precise meaning is highly classified. You need top level clearance before I can tell you that I’m afraid.

    4. Jumpers?

    What’s that about Jumpers? Don’t understand. We only wear dungarees, ‘T’ shirts and donkey jackets in here.

    5. Are you supposed to be scared?

    I can’t imagine why. You’re not the timid type are you? They already confiscated my axe years ago and as I’ve already said there’s no chance of parole from this place. Cripes, I have enough trouble climbing into bed with my knees these days let alone scaling a 30 foot bleedin wall.

    I think you’re quite safe – so sleep tight lad – no need to be scared."
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Will this be our first snowless winter since 2002?

Flashback to Hilly Fields, Colchester in January 2013

Flashback to Hilly Fields, Colchester in January 2013

First published in News

ESSEX is set for a snow-free winter for the first time in more than a decade.

Tom Defty, of Essex Weather Centre, believes not a single snowflake will fall this winter.

If his prediction proves correct, it will make a stark contrast to last February and March, when there were several weeks of freezing conditions.

Mr Defty said: “This may be the first winter since 2002 that we see no snow, not a single flake, in Essex.

“It is past Mid Winters Day, we have survived without snow so far.

“From now it is going to be more of the same, it is going to be more rain and a very mild weather.”

Mr Defty said people should look out for signs of an early spring.

He added: “One of the biggest things people will notice is the spring bulbs coming through, the rose bushes flowering and the trees have got buds on.

“I have been sent so many photos of early-blooming daffodils.

“Normally when everything progresses early we have a sudden cold snap but I have not seen anything significant in the forecast.”

Mr Defty added even if cold winds were to come from Europe, sea temperatures are so warm, a cold snap would be unlikely.

He said: “A year agowe had pictures of Essex under really deep snow and rush hour was absolute mayhem. This year it is a completely different picture.

“We won’t have the big storm systems we had in December but we will have rainfall day after day, a couple of millimetres falling on saturated ground and it is going to take a long time for the ground to dry out.”

Surface flooding will be the main weather concern from now until the end of winter.

Essex Weather Centre figures show we already had the total expected rainfall for January within the first two weeks of the year.

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